(UNTITLED)
Entry No. 1
When Father Narvaez accepted his fate at the hands of the gentlest people he knew, he reasoned that time, faith and destiny are crossbreeds - locked up in an eternal entanglement to say which conquers which, and to whom man must pay tribute. He would remember clearly how his father, Don Juan Narvaez, told him years ago, while the former was lying on his deathbed, that there are very few instances when one could see clearly, like crystals shining from a distance, the flashback of ones life. You see it on the face of your newborn child, a memory that one would forever keep. And on moments when Death pays you a visit, with a serene solemnity that touches your bone with a coldness freezing than a damp December morning, and still has the courtesy to smile at you and say that you have been given the privilege to wait for the final blow of his reaper. And on instances like this, as Father Narvaez murmured though no one could hear him, when hope was all that he could ever hope for, and that solitude was no more than a discipline he was beginning to get acquainted with.
He closed his eyes for a while, trying to remember what it felt like to run against the wind. He knew he might never do that again. With his right leg, the stronger leg he has, buried from below the knee to the ground, he felt pain reserved only for the dead. He recalled the English poet Shakespeare, and how he said on Sonnet 71 how vile this world was, with vilest worms do dwell. He sensed strange sensations, like tiny needles pricking on his flesh. He could not move. Immobile from the punishment he volunteered for, the only freedom he had was to think and to let his mind wander. But even that could be exhausting, more tiring than a hard day’s of work tending vegetables and fruit trees. During his days at the seminary, he figured that the best way not to sleep, is to try with all your might to sleep instantly. On nights like this described herein, when the world does not rest because of the anguish of those who can’t sleep, Father Narvaez have had recited all the prayers he could think of, memorized by his heart, seeking redemption on every discontent the mind could offer. But the mind has strange ways of bringing up memories, memories of the things we seek to bury on the fragments of our imaginations.
He had been provided shade under a large mango tree - it was to be his shelter for the remaining two weeks - a privilege not given to other offenders. But his was a special case. The town of Malamig and its inhabitants were torn on the issue of punishing Father Narvaez. Some were begging for mercy while others were strict on their resolve. The elders were adamant on the belief that they hold, the same faith they see as their aegis against any harm brought from the outside. In the end, Ka Bianong, the eldest and the wisest in Malamig, the same person Father Narvaez spent countless moments talking with, drinking strong coffee with, and helped the former take care of his beloved cabbage patches, said in audible whispers so that the rest could hear: “Let the priest decide his fate. He could leave Malamig in peace, or he could suffer two months fused on the grounds we dwell.”
He was taken to the nipa hut the villagers renovated for him when they were convinced that he had no plans of leaving their town. They explained the details of his options. For him, it was a long and arduous journey. Two years to be exact, only to fall back to scratches, only to try to rebuilt the trust he had earned at the hands of the hard-working people he grew fond of, and only to see for himself that faith could never be thrust on the throats of those whose religion is tied up to their own survival. He could have packed his things and rode a horse towards Lilio, Laguna, or Majayjay, or Magdalena. Instead, he sorted the things he would need. His mind was made-up. He would try to do what Christ did to the people of Israel. By the time the sun was perching itself on a clear sky that was that morning, Father Narvaez had already dug two feet on the secluded grounds where the largest squash could be seen, the reddest tomato could be admired, and every imaginable vegetable that the ground would permit to grow could be looked upon in all its glory. With his right leg buried to the ground, secured and not able to move the slightest bit, that was to be the partial tombstone that Father Narvaez had chosen to commit.
Apr 4, 2003
Mar 29, 2003
Mar 21, 2003
Mar 19, 2003
(UNTITLED)
Last Entry
XII
I got inside our house using the window of my room. Pretending that nothing happened, I stayed in bed waiting for the morning. I went down when breakfast was being served. I saw my mom and my sister sitting at the breakfast table. My mother looked at me both happy and angry. She did not say a word though. My sister welcomed me with her smile.
I heard my father complaining about something while preparing for work. He got out of their room and saw me. He just nodded, signifying he’ll talk to me later. Just as he was about to sit down, I don’t know who started it but my parents started to argue about something.
Instinctively, I got my diary from my lap and set it on the table for them to see. My sister did the same. We were both looking at them. I could see tears lining up on my sister’s face. I tried not to cry and gave my parents an intent look.
My dad got silent. My mom looked at us and nodded that they understood.
They both stood up. They went to the veranda. There, they talked. Pretending to eat, I saw both of them explain things to one another. My mother cried. It was when I saw my father held her hand that I stood up and went to my room.
XIII
On my bed, I got a ballpen and opened my diary. I just have to talk with someone. I thought about the days that transpired. I saw the faces of my sister, my mom, and my dad flash before my eyes. I knew that everything’s gonna be fine. Hell, maybe this is part of being a family.
Among the thoughts that were my flashbacks on that instant, it was the fresh memory of Mina and how we met that was so clear. No song could be heard on a radio that’s turned off but I felt songs singing inside of me. Like a love song that you sincerely hear but has no tune, it swayed me to music I never knew existed. It was the simple details on how we became friends, and on how she touched my life in a way I may never forget.
I wrote a single word on my diary that day – Mina. Never mind that she was twenty-three and I was barely thirteen years old. That word contained the truth of my coming to adolescence. It welcomed me to a world where some things could be a lie, yet everything could have a purpose. If what I felt wasn’t love, then I don’t know what I’d call it. You just never forget your first
Last Entry
XII
I got inside our house using the window of my room. Pretending that nothing happened, I stayed in bed waiting for the morning. I went down when breakfast was being served. I saw my mom and my sister sitting at the breakfast table. My mother looked at me both happy and angry. She did not say a word though. My sister welcomed me with her smile.
I heard my father complaining about something while preparing for work. He got out of their room and saw me. He just nodded, signifying he’ll talk to me later. Just as he was about to sit down, I don’t know who started it but my parents started to argue about something.
Instinctively, I got my diary from my lap and set it on the table for them to see. My sister did the same. We were both looking at them. I could see tears lining up on my sister’s face. I tried not to cry and gave my parents an intent look.
My dad got silent. My mom looked at us and nodded that they understood.
They both stood up. They went to the veranda. There, they talked. Pretending to eat, I saw both of them explain things to one another. My mother cried. It was when I saw my father held her hand that I stood up and went to my room.
XIII
On my bed, I got a ballpen and opened my diary. I just have to talk with someone. I thought about the days that transpired. I saw the faces of my sister, my mom, and my dad flash before my eyes. I knew that everything’s gonna be fine. Hell, maybe this is part of being a family.
Among the thoughts that were my flashbacks on that instant, it was the fresh memory of Mina and how we met that was so clear. No song could be heard on a radio that’s turned off but I felt songs singing inside of me. Like a love song that you sincerely hear but has no tune, it swayed me to music I never knew existed. It was the simple details on how we became friends, and on how she touched my life in a way I may never forget.
I wrote a single word on my diary that day – Mina. Never mind that she was twenty-three and I was barely thirteen years old. That word contained the truth of my coming to adolescence. It welcomed me to a world where some things could be a lie, yet everything could have a purpose. If what I felt wasn’t love, then I don’t know what I’d call it. You just never forget your first
Mar 18, 2003
(UNTITLED)
Entry No. 6
X
I would never forget that afternoon. We had the grandest time. We went to every store that perked our curiosity. Acting as if genuinely interested, we’d ask the salesclerk a litany of questions then get out with brochures at hand. We ate ice cream, read a few good comic books at the bookstore, and had a long walk.
We also went to the same park we were before. We held hands like it was the natural thing to do. We talked, we played, and we watched couples become extra sweet, much to our amusement.
After eating a quick dinner, we knew we were both exhausted. Coming back late at the boarding house, she excused herself and said she was ready to sleep.
I knew it was a crazy idea but that was the time when I woke up in the middle of the night. I went to her room and found her sleeping like a child. I silently approached her. I sate beside her bed, looking straight at her pretty face. I didn’t care whether she’d go angry or not. What I knew was that I had to let this feeling out.
I thanked her for the kindness she had shown me. In audible whispers, I told her that I wish I were born on a different circumstance so she’d find in her heart to more than just like me. I was so sorry. Damn sorry for not being able to help her.
But what pained me more was the idea that I must let her go. Like a child letting go of his first blanket, I was afraid. Why does love have to come in painful packages? I knew she’d never be mine. With school finally over, I may never see her again. With that thought, tears welled up on my eyes. Before she could hear me sob, I ran back to my room.
XI
Before the sun had risen, I already had my things packed. As I was about to leave the apartment, I could hear Mina crying inside her room. I decided to see what’s going on.
“Mina, I thought about what you said about my family and stuff. I’ve decided to go home.”
She tried to wipe the tears away from her face. I came near her and we embraced like old friends do.
“Hey, everything’s gonna be alright,” I said.
She was sobbing so hard that my shoulder felt wet. After a few minutes, she managed to smile.
“So, you’re leaving. That’s good. Your parents may already be worried sick.”
“Are you sure you can manage?”
“Of course I can, kid,” she was trying to laugh.
“Well, thanks for everything.”
As I stood up, she dried her tears away and led me to the door. She gave me one last hug and kissed my forehead.
“Be good kid. I’ll miss you.”
With that, I turned to leave.
Entry No. 6
X
I would never forget that afternoon. We had the grandest time. We went to every store that perked our curiosity. Acting as if genuinely interested, we’d ask the salesclerk a litany of questions then get out with brochures at hand. We ate ice cream, read a few good comic books at the bookstore, and had a long walk.
We also went to the same park we were before. We held hands like it was the natural thing to do. We talked, we played, and we watched couples become extra sweet, much to our amusement.
After eating a quick dinner, we knew we were both exhausted. Coming back late at the boarding house, she excused herself and said she was ready to sleep.
I knew it was a crazy idea but that was the time when I woke up in the middle of the night. I went to her room and found her sleeping like a child. I silently approached her. I sate beside her bed, looking straight at her pretty face. I didn’t care whether she’d go angry or not. What I knew was that I had to let this feeling out.
I thanked her for the kindness she had shown me. In audible whispers, I told her that I wish I were born on a different circumstance so she’d find in her heart to more than just like me. I was so sorry. Damn sorry for not being able to help her.
But what pained me more was the idea that I must let her go. Like a child letting go of his first blanket, I was afraid. Why does love have to come in painful packages? I knew she’d never be mine. With school finally over, I may never see her again. With that thought, tears welled up on my eyes. Before she could hear me sob, I ran back to my room.
XI
Before the sun had risen, I already had my things packed. As I was about to leave the apartment, I could hear Mina crying inside her room. I decided to see what’s going on.
“Mina, I thought about what you said about my family and stuff. I’ve decided to go home.”
She tried to wipe the tears away from her face. I came near her and we embraced like old friends do.
“Hey, everything’s gonna be alright,” I said.
She was sobbing so hard that my shoulder felt wet. After a few minutes, she managed to smile.
“So, you’re leaving. That’s good. Your parents may already be worried sick.”
“Are you sure you can manage?”
“Of course I can, kid,” she was trying to laugh.
“Well, thanks for everything.”
As I stood up, she dried her tears away and led me to the door. She gave me one last hug and kissed my forehead.
“Be good kid. I’ll miss you.”
With that, I turned to leave.
Mar 17, 2003
(UNTITLED)
Entry No. 5
IX
On the second morning I was staying with Mina, I saw her walk out of the room with only a loose T-shirt and panties on. But that’s beside the point.
We had a breakfast of instant noodles and settled down at the couch on the sala to watch a movie.
The day before, she was so busy with some papers so I stayed at my room trying to keep myself busy by reading. Her studies would be complete after she passed her term paper. The only time we were together was when we had to go out for dinner, which was actually our lunch.
After putting on the betamax, she placed herself beside me. After a few minutes, she settled down on my lap as if it was a pillow. I sorely wished she wouldn’t hear my heartbeat. I felt it was going to explode. It was only in the middle of the film that we started talking.
“Have you decided yet?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been thinking.”
“Don’t you want to call your parents? They might be worried sick.”
“I’ll do that, tomorrow.”
“Believe me, you don’t really hate them. It’s just the things they do.”
It made me silent. I agree with her. It’s just that I don’t want to show it.
A few minutes later, she then said, “I also ran away from home. But that was a long time ago.”
“What happened?”
“It’s a long story. I thought I had enough,” she cut her sentence. “Have you ever wondered what would happen if we could come back in time to correct all the mistakes we made?”
“No, I haven’t thought of that.”
“Tell me what you think.”
I pondered on the question then finally answered, “I don’t think we’d be happier then as we are now.”
“How come?”
“Because,” I was at loss for words. “Because that’s not the way things are.”
She was not looking at me nor at the television. “Maybe mistakes has a purpose. Not just to learn from them, but maybe to make us complete.”
“Have you ever wanted to go back in time to correct your mistakes?” I said.
“More than a thousand times.”
An awkward pause. She continued with another question.
“Have you ever thought that there’s always a purpose in life? That maybe the stars are really people confused with their own existence?”
What was I to say? Instead, I said, “Is there something you want to tell me? A story perhaps.”
She then stood up and took a cigarette from the table. She straightened herself from the couch and took deep puffs. Looking at the ashtray, she poured her heart out.
“I once fell in love with a man older than I am. I was seventeen and he was forty-one. Well, at least I thought it was love. Maybe it was my youth. It was more than the physical attraction that bowled me over. I guess it was the thought of actually being special.”
I could tell that she was trying to act with composure. That everything was fine. She continued.
“Well, he has a family of his own. For a while, I believed things would work out but it never did. I ran away from home. He works abroad and has tons of money. Maybe out of pity, he sheltered me on this prison cell. That’s why I study hard. I need to graduate so I could start all over.”
“Why don’t you come back home?”
“My parents won’t accept me. We are poor. Poverty is our way of life. And, you know how traditions are when it comes to having sired a child unwed.”
I did not know what to say.
“I also have a child. They don’t have a kid so my daughter’s with them. I could not possibly support her so I agreed with the arrangement.”
She then lighted another cigarette and brushed my hair with her hands.
“Hey, don’t fret. I have things under control and I do have a plan,” she was half-smiling. She then wrapped her arms around me.
“My tears ran dry a long time ago,” she said.
It was around noon. Though she was shaking, she managed to invite me out.
Entry No. 5
IX
On the second morning I was staying with Mina, I saw her walk out of the room with only a loose T-shirt and panties on. But that’s beside the point.
We had a breakfast of instant noodles and settled down at the couch on the sala to watch a movie.
The day before, she was so busy with some papers so I stayed at my room trying to keep myself busy by reading. Her studies would be complete after she passed her term paper. The only time we were together was when we had to go out for dinner, which was actually our lunch.
After putting on the betamax, she placed herself beside me. After a few minutes, she settled down on my lap as if it was a pillow. I sorely wished she wouldn’t hear my heartbeat. I felt it was going to explode. It was only in the middle of the film that we started talking.
“Have you decided yet?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been thinking.”
“Don’t you want to call your parents? They might be worried sick.”
“I’ll do that, tomorrow.”
“Believe me, you don’t really hate them. It’s just the things they do.”
It made me silent. I agree with her. It’s just that I don’t want to show it.
A few minutes later, she then said, “I also ran away from home. But that was a long time ago.”
“What happened?”
“It’s a long story. I thought I had enough,” she cut her sentence. “Have you ever wondered what would happen if we could come back in time to correct all the mistakes we made?”
“No, I haven’t thought of that.”
“Tell me what you think.”
I pondered on the question then finally answered, “I don’t think we’d be happier then as we are now.”
“How come?”
“Because,” I was at loss for words. “Because that’s not the way things are.”
She was not looking at me nor at the television. “Maybe mistakes has a purpose. Not just to learn from them, but maybe to make us complete.”
“Have you ever wanted to go back in time to correct your mistakes?” I said.
“More than a thousand times.”
An awkward pause. She continued with another question.
“Have you ever thought that there’s always a purpose in life? That maybe the stars are really people confused with their own existence?”
What was I to say? Instead, I said, “Is there something you want to tell me? A story perhaps.”
She then stood up and took a cigarette from the table. She straightened herself from the couch and took deep puffs. Looking at the ashtray, she poured her heart out.
“I once fell in love with a man older than I am. I was seventeen and he was forty-one. Well, at least I thought it was love. Maybe it was my youth. It was more than the physical attraction that bowled me over. I guess it was the thought of actually being special.”
I could tell that she was trying to act with composure. That everything was fine. She continued.
“Well, he has a family of his own. For a while, I believed things would work out but it never did. I ran away from home. He works abroad and has tons of money. Maybe out of pity, he sheltered me on this prison cell. That’s why I study hard. I need to graduate so I could start all over.”
“Why don’t you come back home?”
“My parents won’t accept me. We are poor. Poverty is our way of life. And, you know how traditions are when it comes to having sired a child unwed.”
I did not know what to say.
“I also have a child. They don’t have a kid so my daughter’s with them. I could not possibly support her so I agreed with the arrangement.”
She then lighted another cigarette and brushed my hair with her hands.
“Hey, don’t fret. I have things under control and I do have a plan,” she was half-smiling. She then wrapped her arms around me.
“My tears ran dry a long time ago,” she said.
It was around noon. Though she was shaking, she managed to invite me out.
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